Why good guys really come in last

02/07/08 - Jeremy, it was with great interest that I read your Feb. 6 article, "Why good guys come in last, sometimes." A former Cigar columnist myself, I too have written about the issue of Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS) in some detail. A quick Google search for the phrase "Chris Ferdinandi Dating" will bring you to the articles.At any rate, I wanted to address your analysis of NGS in an attempt to help you and the countless guys out there who suffer from the same debilitating condition. You see, the problem isn't that you're nice. The problem is that you're a wuss.

Nice Guy Syndome

The simple truth is that women are not attracted to macho assholes because they're macho assholes. They're attracted to macho assholes because they're also confident, and confidence is sexy! No one appreciates a doormat.

You know the "women to bring home to mother" that you describe? Chances are she's confident - not a bitch, but self-assured, poised and graceful. Women want the same thing in a man (more or less - perhaps more gentlemanly than graceful!).

But don't be ashamed! Plenty of guys suffer the same affliction. I myself am a recovering wuss. The truth is, you actually have a strong and notable advantage over the "over-confident, over-gelled and over-cocky bad asses" that keep stealing potential women from your grasp before you've even had a chance to remove your hands from your pockets.

Here's why: you can learn to be more confident, and still be a nice guy; an asshole will -barring some catastrophic life-event - most likely always be an asshole!

Dropping the Inner Wuss (aka Growing a Pair)

Up to this point, I have been speaking in generalities, and as someone who self-identifies as "being one bold and friendly guy." You're probably wondering why I think you're a wuss. Allow me to provide some examples.

Confident guys don't kill women with kindness. That's unchallenging. It's boring. It's get old fast. How much fun would you have with a woman who doles over your every word like a stray puppy begging for attention? The appeal would wear off in about 35 seconds. Treat women with respect. Be chivalrous. But never "kill her with kindness."

Confident guys don't say that being called a great friend "shot down my lonely heart and made me sulk in a pit of confusion." They say, "Her loss that she doesn't get to experience me on a more intimate level and my gain for having such a great friend in my life." There are plenty of beautiful, wonderful women in the world dying to meet a nice, confident guy. Get back out there!

Finally, confident guys are not "looking for women to bring home to mother." They're looking for a woman to come home to. It's definitely a plus if my mom like's the woman I'm dating, but guess who's not sleeping next to her every night? That's right, my mom! (Though if she was, that coveted spot on Jerry Springer might finally be mine!) Wusses behave in a way that seeks the approval of others. Confident guys look for behaviors that they like, but don't care if others approve.

Jeremy, there are plenty of great, gorgeous women out there who are dying to meet a more confident you. To paraphrase myself, this isn't about changing who you are. It's about presenting yourself in a way that makes women more inclined to want to get to know you in the first place.

Remember, nice guys don't finish last - wusses do!