Sex & the Cigar: You want to put what in my what?!

01/27/09 - Welcome back! I hope you all had a wonderful, exciting, but safe, break! During winter break I spent some time doing a bit of research, looking for new and exciting things to help you all spice up your love lives. But while doing my research, I found some things that just made me ask, "Why?" Now, I am a pretty open and understanding individual when it comes to sex and toys and all that, but some things I just don't think I'll ever understand. This week's article is going to be a little bit different. Instead of answering a question, I thought I'd share some of these "what the hell?" sex toys I found. Enjoy! (Or maybe not.)

1. Zeus

From the website: "Here is a penis ring that would make the king of the gods proud! The multi-speed power bullet brings this stretchy ring to life, so that both partners feel the pleasure. Three nubs at the top stimulate the clitoris and penis while three metallic pleasure beads swing and sway with each thrust, for titanic testicle stimulation. The bullet is removable, of course, making it useful on your many other erotic adventures."

- www.athenashn.com

Just based on the look of this, I am baffled as to the appeal. However, I have also never felt the need or desire to ask a guy to use a penis ring. And if I did, it certainly wouldn't be this one. The only thing I think of when I see this picture is some medieval torture device I think I saw in a text book once. Since finding this gem, not one person that I have showed this to (and I've showed it to some very interesting characters) has thought this would be even remotely fun. Also, when did it become okay to jab at or hit men in the balls during sex? Besides the hilarious faces some of my male friends have made while considering the "metallic pressure beads," I think my favorite part of this ad is the term "titanic testicle stimulation." What a selling point!

2. Kama Diva

From the website: "Each kama diva urethane product is unique in appearance and comes in four beautiful color palettes. There are three vibrating wands and three standard plug variations to meet the needs of almost every customer. All kama diva products are waterproof and phthalates-free. At first thought, glass dildos may seem like an odd choice, but wait till you see what's available today! Glass dildos come in a wide variety of vivid colors and creative shapes - some with exotic liquids inside them that glow in the dark. Built to last a lifetime by the craftsmen who make glass pipes, and designed for both vaginal and anal pleasure. They're hypo-allergenic, non-porous and dishwasher safe and retain warmth and coolness." (www.goflix.com)

While I am always one for a good vibrator, this is not one I think I would use. I'm sure it wouldn't be on the market if it hadn't proved to be safe but a vibrating, glass dildo? Ehhh.I'm not sure this columnist is up for the challenge. Also, what is this "exotic liquid" that they're putting inside glass dildos? On the off chance that one breaks, besides the excruciating pain of having broken glass in your vagina, what other symptoms might you have? I don't care how hypo-allergenic they say they are, I can guarantee that the exotic, no-name liquid inside this is going to have some nasty side-effects. On the plus side, it is dishwasher safe.because don't we all clean our sex toys with our dishes?

3. Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe

From the website: The Eroscillator r 2 top deluxe is our flagship package, complete with five flabbergasmic r attachments (eight heads). The Eroscillator r is the first device designed exclusively for sexual excitement of the female genitalia. Because it is the best device ever made for stimulation of the labia and clitoris, it offers women exciting, immensely satisfying orgasms with little or no effort.

- www.goflix.com

Don't the name and that picture say it all? This is one intense and very expensive toy. The "flabbergasmicr" attachment that is fourth from the left terrifies me. I don't know what's going on there or how that works but I'm pretty sure I'm not shaped that way. Actually, now that I look at them a little more, some of them kind of look like weird showerheads and we all know how fun those can be. But seriously? The Eroscillator? It sounds like something out of one of a sci-fi video game.

4. Video Voyeur Camera

From the website: "Look deep inside of me. Close up lighted micro camera insertable for internal viewing action!" (www.goflix.com)

All I have to say is."why?" What is the appeal of seeing the inside of. well anywhere you could possibly be thinking to put that? Sure, maybe if we're playing some really sick game of doctor, but even then, I'm not sure I want to see myself from those angles. What could possibly be sexy about seeing my ovaries on video?