Sex & The Cigar

11/03/09 - Dear Sex & the Cigar,
I met a girl a few months ago whose interests and personality make her simply perfect. But, as can be expected in such cases, she already has a boyfriend. Unfortunately for me, he is a really nice guy. Usually I wouldn't give any thought to pursuing someone already in a relationship, but I've been getting signals from her that she likes me. I think if they weren't together anymore, we soon would be. I've tried to strike a balance between being her friend and yet remain a person of interest in that area. I don't want to hurt her or lose her as a friend. But I'm tired of hovering around like a scavenger waiting for her relationship to die. I'm afraid that nothing will happen unless I say or do something. Should I? And if so, what?


Patiently Pining



Hey Patiently,


To quote Ryan Reynolds in "Just Friends," you are on the "express lane to the friend zone." You're in a tricky situation, Pining, and you should make sure to play your cards right.

Are you sure that you're reading her signals right? You might just be looking for the signs to be there, and seeing them just because they're what you want to see. What you might be reading as her unbridled, burning love for you might just be her way of being friendly.

Before you make any sort of move, it's important to know you're both on the same page. You don't want to jump too far ahead and start planning your epic ride off into the sunset with her if this girl's still devoted to her boyfriend. Try and bring up the subject gently, but make sure not to hover too much. I can guarantee that there's nothing a girl hates more than an overly possessive guy.

You were right that you don't want to be "scavenging." Overall, any comparison to a flesh eating bird of prey isn't good in a romantic relationship. So, keep your distance in terms of her current boyfriend. Be there if she needs to talk about her relationship, but don't pry too much. If she wants to share her problems about her guy, she'll come to you. Before you make any sort of impassioned declarations of love or drunken confessional text messages, make sure it's worth the risk of damaging your friendship. Once you cross the line from friends to something more, there's sometimes no going back.

I'm a pretty cautious person, so I'd suggest testing out the water before you go diving in. If you're sure she's into you, open up and tell her how you feel. Be honest and sincere, and make sure to show that you respect her and her boyfriend. Being open is sometimes scary, but if you know that your feelings might be reciprocated, take the risk. Just know what's at stake in terms of your friendship.


Good luck!


Trixie Tulips



Hi Patiently,


So here's the scoop: in this situation, mum's the word. Girls tend to be very perceptive when it comes to guys' behavior around them. If you are consciously sending out signals that you want to be a person of interest, she is probably picking them up. However, the fact that you haven't openly confronted this is the saving grace that allows her to rationalize that it isn't something that must be dealt with right away.

She probably knows that there is a decision to be made here, but it is a tough decision so she may be putting it off. The longer she plays dumb, the longer she can put it off. If you bring the issue right up to her, you'll force her to make a decision and scare her off. She isn't ready to make the decision yet and she'll resent you if you try to make her. In that case, you lose her by default; she will push aside the issue completely and stay with her boyfriend because it's easiest.

She needs time to figure this out on her own if you're going to have any hope of a shot with her. If you really like her, you have to wait and see. She will only be with you if she feels like it was her idea from the start.

Hang in there, Pining.


Portia Pleaseyou