Sex & the Cigar

02/20/09 - Ever wonder if your significant other is creepin? Want to know why an ex did? Well fear not my faithful readers, because I recently attended a seminar put on by the Multicultural Greek Council titled "Why we cheat" and gained some valuable insight as to what runs through the minds of cheaters.

Guest speakers at the event were University of Rhode Island psychology professor, Paul Bueno de Mesquita and HDF graduate student, Brea Burger.

The first and most important thing I noticed throughout the seminar was that men and women have very different opinions concerning what is cheating and when it is appropriate. This columnist thinks that ANY sort of infidelity is cheating. Whether is be emotional or physical. Honesty in a relationship is the most important. And if you can't trust the person you're with, how fulfilling could the relationship possibly be?

A lot of men disagree and think that emotional infidelity, like talking, is not a big deal. I'm not referring to general conversation. I'm referring to the new meaning that the word "talking" has gained in the last few years; where you're not officially established as a couple but it's understood that you're together. Men think of it as keeping their options open in case their soul-mate, or whatever you believe in, is still out there.

From a psychological standpoint, Mesquita defined a lasting love as having three things: passion, an intimate friendship, and commitment. So according to this theory, the relationship that these men are in is not a lasting, loving relationship. So why bother to stay in the first relationship if you're not totally committed?

Mesquita seemed to think it was just the opposite, that "cheating is way of ending the relationship without the confrontation. I don't think we as a people, know how to end a relationship."

Whatever happened to the dreaded, "we need to talk?" When did we become so cowardly that we're unable to get out of a relationship that makes us miserable without completely disrespecting the other person?

According to statistics presented by Burger, the majority of men honestly don't mean to cheat, but the married men who do cheat do so because of a lack of emotional connection and appreciation in the relationship.

I disagree. I don't think cheating just happens. Maybe it wasn't pre-meditated, but in the end, I believe that people make the decision to cheat. Personally, whenever I have been in a relationship and thought, "If given the opportunity, I'd probably cheat on this person," I've left the relationship almost immediately. I'd rather not be with them at all than cheat on them. Being cheated on can ruin a person as far as relationships go. They second-guess everything and finding someone you can trust, especially if the cheater seemed trustworthy, is especially difficult.

Typically, people cheat because something is missing from the relationship.

"People think their significant other is everything they're going to want. But no one will have everything you want in a partner," Tatiana Gallego, sister of Chi Upsilon Sigma, said. This is absolutely true, and the sooner people realize this, the better. As much as we'd all love to believe in fairytales and the idea that there's this one perfect person out there who has everything we're going to need, the chances of that happening are slim to none. The idea that there is ONE person for you is incredibly stressful.

What if, in my 19 years, I've already missed my chance with that person? Am I expected to live my life alone as a miserable spinster with 24 cats crying that I missed out?

No, I am going to find that slightly less-than-perfect person with whom I can be happy and will be able to trust not to cheat on me.