Sex and the Cigar: Nice guys don't always finish last

10/24/08 - Dear Sex and the Cigar,I love my boyfriend to death. He is wonderful and treats me like a princess. We have been seeing each other for almost a year now and I really only have one complaint: the sex. Although he's almost 4 years older than me, I'm his first and he's well ... just not very good. He's fantastic with foreplay but the actual sex only lasts probably less than a minute! I know this isn't normal because I've been with another guy before. I've tried subtly bringing the issue up to him but he's so proud and thinks he's a sex god. I feel like I'd crush his ego if I told him the truth. What should I do?

- Dissatisfied with Love



Dear Dissatisfied with Love,

I completely understand how you feel. I've been there myself. Yes, there are plenty more where your guy came from.

This is one of the most common problems that men face in the bedroom. Relax and chill out because there are solutions. The truth is, your boyfriend probably knows that he's too quick and that it's a problem.

Men are made out to be these fierce, sex animals whereas, in actuality, they know no more about it their first time than you. All he knows going into this is what's good for him. He has no idea what feels good for you. So tell him what you like and what works for you. Letting him know that you're into it will make him pay a little more attention to you.

The one thing that all magazines and professionals will tell you is to use the "stop-start" method. In a nutshell, it means to stop everything when he feels he is about to reach climax. He doesn't need to stop entirely; he could go back to foreplay and pay a little more attention to you while his body calms down. Once he is calm and can continue, go back to what you were doing. Repeating this method can get his body used to lasting longer. Honestly, that's the best way to solve his problem.

Try not to get frustrated with him and try to be patient. If the "stop-start" method doesn't work, try convincing him to see a counselor or finding another solution to the problem on the internet. My biggest piece of advice is to not let it ruin what you have and remember how much you love him. I hope I helped a little!

-Scarlet Buns



P.S. to Dissatisfied with Love,

I'll be frank and honest, most guys have to deal with this at one point or another, and we hate admitting it. Now that's over and done with, let's get down to brass tacks. The best advice I can give you, aside from Bun's start stop method, which I will say works wonders, is to have him practice a little by himself.

This is not to say he should be doing it as much as possible, too much of a good thing is always bad, but once in a while it helps to desensitize the area. Also, have him try to split his focus; while he should be concerned with how you're feeling, focusing entirely on you probably is what's bringing him down. Baseball always works for me, but anything non-sexually stimulating (the more boring, the better) helps to keep oneself steady.

-The Trench Coat Flasher



P.P.S. As a finishing note (Ha Ha), the silver lining is that maybe he's finishing fast because you're just so damn hot. Work it girl!

-Tina FookMi