Column: Some beers don't make the cut

10/10/08 - Benjamin Franklin was a statesmen, a scientist, a printer and quite often he gave memorable quips. One of the most memorable was this gem, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy".

While I have nothing but the utmost respect for Mr. Franklin, there have been some beers brewed that cause nothing but misery for those unfortunate enough to taste them. These beers are often brewed by respectable companies that otherwise produce world-class beverages. But now, here is a run down of beers you should avoid at all costs.

First of all, Harpoon brewery produces excellent beer, their 100 barrel series is among the best you can drink from the tap. Their offending beer though, is thankfully only produced for a few months every year. Winter Warmer is a spiced ale that tastes like a melted batch of gingerbread men. While that may seem enticing, these particular gingerbread men have been left out on the counter until they were stale, and then recovered soggy from the garbage disposal. On Harpoon's Web site they mention that the beer is best paired with "savory hors d'oerves, duck, apple pie, pumpkin pie". I don't know about you, but if I'm eating duck, I want a beer that doesn't taste disgusting.

Most of the beer drinking population of the University of Rhode Island is familiar with a beer known as Keystone Light. It's cheap enough, and it's drinkable for how much you pay for it. However, there is an import known as Tsingtao that tastes remarkably similar to Keystone Light, but you're paying about 4 dollars a bottle if you're out to eat. So not only are you supporting our future Chinese overlords by drinking this swill, you're also paying 500% more than you would if you simply drank Keystone Light, so be American and drink domestic.

Mexico is famous for their food, but thankfully not their beer. Corona is a poor excuse for a beer; for something to taste this bad, I would expect it to at least have the decency to be served in a can and not some fancy bottle. Another interesting point about Corona is the fact that many Americans serve it with a lime. The lime isn't even served with this beer in Mexico, so it's truly an American innovation. But with Taco Bell already bastardizing some of Mexico's most famous culinary exports, I can understand why this has happened. Also a personal experience has tarnished this beer; I've seen young ladies pour grenadine into their beer, and it turns an awful shade of red.

The beer that I save the most fury for comes from my favorite brewing company, Samuel Adams. Ever Since Budweiser was purchased by the Belgians over the summer, Samuel Adams is now the largest American owned brewery. Most of us have fond memories of Summer Ale, Boston Lager, and Sam Adams Light, which tastes amazing for a light beer. The beer that is quite arguably the worst in the world is. Cranberry Lambic.

Let's start with the name, everybody loves cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving, so already you have warm and fuzzy memories when you see the beer. Then you see the word Lambic, and get excited because it's a foreign sounding beer and it might just taste spectacular. So you grab that bottle opener, and here the nice pop of the cap coming off, and raise the bottle to your lips. What comes out is the most ile combination of fruit, hops, and water that has ever become your taste buds.

Generally vomiting is not socially acceptable in a friendly setting, but once you have tossed up the contents of your stomach due to this abomination of a beer, just explain to your friends that it was Cranberry Lambic and they will all understand. I've tried beers made with all different kinds of fruit, from raspberry to blueberry to pumpkin, and none of them have even come close to tasting that awful.

Maybe if enough people learn about the horrors that are these beers, we may be able to fight the power and have them taken off the market.