Column: Life moves pretty fast if you're homeless at URI

02/12/09 - If the recent downturn of the economy's left you feeling cold, abandoned ... or perhaps homeless, here's a warm thought: the University of Rhode Island is practically a palace for the vagrant and despondent. Well, it could be anyway.It's absolutely amazing what homeless people could get away with if they tried to live on the Kingston campus.

Say you're homeless. You're unemployed. You haven't got a cent to your name. Where do you go?

For starters, at some point or another, most of us have probably passed out on a library couch. The University Library is, by far, one of URI's most conducive environments for sleep. And, if there is one building on this campus that is undoubtedly 95 degrees, it's the library. So why not sleep there? When the library closes at 11:30 p.m., the 24-hour room is still open and accessible to anyone. The university has not thought of making students swipe their student identification cards to access the room, so with the exception of a handful of students struggling to finish their papers or poring over notes, you'll pretty much have the place to yourself.

When you wake up, start your morning with a stroll over to the Memorial Union.

If you've ever been in the union basement, there's a bathroom around the corner from the Cigar office. It's a secluded bathroom near the janitorial headquarters in a dim hallway, and probably the most obvious place on campus to get jumped. (If that happens to be your fate, no one will hear you scream. We think about this all the time.)

On a more positive note, the room contains a shower and it's likely the water is hot. There's plenty of soap, too.

Next up, time to get dressed. Check out the theater department's costume room. Go crazy here. Don't worry about not blending in. There are all kinds of unique people walking around this campus anyway. Who are we to judge?

When you're all cleaned up, feeling fresh in your new gear, head to one of URI's dining halls for a hot meal.

Your best bet is to spot out a loner. In exchange for company, ask the student to guest you in. Hell, just wait until the hand scan employee is distracted and walk right in. Grab some snacks for later while you're at it.

The thing about being homeless that drives one insane, I'd imagine, is probably finding ways to pass the time. Since the university offers hundreds of courses, it's probably easy to find one you're interested in. Larger classes are probably the easiest to slip into. Professors rarely take attendance or assign seats in auditoriums like in the Chafee Social Science Center and Edwards Auditorium. The best thing about popping into a class is, if you get bored, you can leave. No pop quizzes, no homework, and if you get bored, no penalty for leaving.

People watching, hands down, is probably going to be epic during this part of your day.

When you get a minute, wander over to Health Services where you can score free cough drops for that nasty cold you've developed while residing in a cardboard box. Those days are behind you now.

On a similar note, Speakeasy, located in the Memorial Union, doles out free condoms. With that sweet getup you scored from Fine Arts, you'll be struggling to keep all the babes away. You might as well be prepared.

Well, so far it's been a busy morning. You're probably exhausted. Take a load off and hop on a RIPTA shuttle, which are undoubtedly running on schedule while 95 percent of the student population is in class. Pick an off-peak time and let RIPTA take you on a tour of the campus. It's a good way to get acquainted with your new home, and a nice time for one of those snacks you pirated from Hope Commons earlier.

Have the driver let you off at Mackal Fieldhouse and sneak in a back entrance to enjoy a workout. It's not hard to get into to Tootell either, so bring your trunks.

Dabble in cardio. Maybe join in on a pick-up game of basketball. The world is your oyster.

Just for kicks, try to traverse the Quadrangle before the sun goes down. Make funny faces and obscene gestures on the Quad cams - they'll never catch you.

And, since you're near the library again, drop by the pad and take advantage of free Internet. In fact, several labs located around campus don't require any login information. When you've had your fill of YouTube videos, head back to the union and check out the information desk's calendar of events. If you happened to be in the building last night, you could have tried your luck at speed dating. (Bet you're glad you scored those condoms now, hm?)

Since it's nearing dinner time, now would also be a good time to consider joining a club, as pizza is a staple at many meetings. Make friends, too. They'll invite you to parties!

So, while most students loathe the daily trek to class, the repetitive dining hall food and the scorching heat of dorms and academic buildings, those without a place to call home could easily start a carefree kind of life at the University of Rhode Island.

And one more thing - The Good Five-Cent Cigar? That's FREE quality reading material right there. So, if the university decides take some security measures on this campus, at least you can keep up with your current events.