The Cosmopolitan: Anal sex - Truth or dare?
02/22/06 - When my good friend Abigail told me of her problem last semester I thought that she was making it up at first. She told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because one night as they were about to have sex (in a somewhat primal position...), he took it upon himself to attempt the unthinkable: he tried to enter through the back door. This disturbing and highly inappropriate scenario ended when she wheeled around and threw his sorry ass out and never spoke to him again. To be sure, I have respect for the women among us who are fans of anal sex, though I have never been interested in it myself. I have heard from my friend Erin that this form of sex is horrible and should never be attempted, but then another friend told me that it is amazing and must be explored.
Regardless, I couldn't help but be alarmed and uncomfortable at the idea of a man attempting that without some kind of verbal permission-slip. This story got me wondering, do many men expect this? And if so, what is their view on that particular situation? I took my question out to lunch the other day and got my answer.
It turns out (according to my sources), that most of the men I spoke with were "horrified" by the tale (of course I had her permission to discuss this, no e-mails please). In fact, they said that none of them could imagine breaching trust in that way.
They claimed that the incident was definitely an isolated one, and that judging the behavior of all men based on a solitary experience of a friend would not be accurate. I said "thank you" for their time and rose to leave. The guys started to talk amongst themselves. Then the truth emerged.
"Wow, did he really do that? Just put it right in? He didn't say anything to her before?" one of them wondered to me. He smiled a bit, and covered his mouth with his sleeve. Turning to one of his friends, he said, "Man can you believe that guy?"
To be sure the statement was one of incredulous admiration, not horrification: he was proud of this nameless fellow that had "gone and done it" without consent. Another guy asked me if she called him again, I told him that no, she was not interested in the vile individual.
He was clearly upset by this remark. "Why," he asked "do women date men who like it (sex) rough, and then they get angry?" I told him that "rough sex" is the sort of thing that you talk about first, and even my friends who are into S&M have code words they use for when they are feeling uncomfortable as they recognize the emotional and physical risks that accompany "rough sex."
The guy threw up his hands and said he didn't understand women.
The final man I spoke to was in the library. He commented that to be honest, he didn't date women who weren't into anal sex. "Why would I want to be with a girl who couldn't give it all up?" he queried. Our conversation ended there.
Is it just me who finds this kind of rationale repulsive and disturbing? If a woman were to insert something into the ass of a man without some form of approval, many men would be frightened, uncomfortable and truly furious. What makes these men feel that a woman is different?
I asked Mr. Marriage this, and he had no answer. He said that maybe men felt that women secretly really wanted something inserted there. I asked him if he would like it if I snuck up behind him and put Old Faithful where the sun doesn't shine. He winced.
This is my point. The ass is an amazing thing in that it is unisexual. We all have one. If a man isn't comfortable with the thought of something being shoved in there, he should NEVER assume that a woman approves either.
I went home that night livid. How could it be acceptable to men to just act on this without some kind of discussion first? Isn't honesty and openness important to them? I knew that to be fair to men, I had to try my best not to generalize and remember that there is a whole world of men who may have other opinions and would never consider doing this sort of thing without consent. I just can't help but feel sorry for the next girl that sick freak dates.
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