2008 Woodie Awards
Letter: Student names Santa brutal dictator of North Pole, calls for his firing
Issue date: 12/5/07 Section: Editorial/Opinion
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12/05/07 - To the Cigar,
The following is an open letter to God.
Dear God,
I am sorry to have to bother you, but after receiving no response from Santa Claus -even after repeated attempts - and thereafter Jesus, who apparently snubbed all of my letters (not taking the time to respond even once), I felt it was necessary to forward my letter to you. Sorry to usurp your time.
I am writing to inform you of what I would like for Christmas. I know this is not your usual department, but due to the serious and urgent nature of my request, I was left with no other choice but to go directly over Santa's head.
Now, if you'll allow me to continue, I will inform you of my wish list, brief as it may be: All I want for Christmas is Santa's dismissal. That's right, you heard me correctly, I would like you to fire Santa Claus and to nominate new candidates that will be elected by democratic means.
Santa is a longstanding dictator who exploits the socially marginalized for their low-cost labor. He is a slave driver whose infamous North Pole sweatshops employ these disadvantaged souls as carpenters - one of the most hazardous professions in the world. He is at the head of a rogue state, which obeys no U.N. resolutions or sanctions.
He has not once reported to the Security Council, and U.N. weapons inspectors have yet to examine how his massive heating system operates, which, based on satellite reports, may even be nuclear powered.
He is a despotic and ruthless leader who will hesitate at nothing to cling to power. The opposition party, E.L.F.'s (Elevated Liberation Front) demonstrations and subsequent strikes were brutally suppressed by Santa's C.L.S. party (Communist League of Saints). Santa is a notorious recluse. Santa cannot be found when needed. Is this anyway for a holder of public office to behave?
Numerous clones of Santa have been sighted in densely populated metropolitan areas, but when will the real Santa present himself? Santa has been traveling all over the globe, ignoring visa restrictions and violating trade embargoes. This year he is even expected to appear in Cuba.
The following is an open letter to God.
Dear God,
I am sorry to have to bother you, but after receiving no response from Santa Claus -even after repeated attempts - and thereafter Jesus, who apparently snubbed all of my letters (not taking the time to respond even once), I felt it was necessary to forward my letter to you. Sorry to usurp your time.
I am writing to inform you of what I would like for Christmas. I know this is not your usual department, but due to the serious and urgent nature of my request, I was left with no other choice but to go directly over Santa's head.
Now, if you'll allow me to continue, I will inform you of my wish list, brief as it may be: All I want for Christmas is Santa's dismissal. That's right, you heard me correctly, I would like you to fire Santa Claus and to nominate new candidates that will be elected by democratic means.
Santa is a longstanding dictator who exploits the socially marginalized for their low-cost labor. He is a slave driver whose infamous North Pole sweatshops employ these disadvantaged souls as carpenters - one of the most hazardous professions in the world. He is at the head of a rogue state, which obeys no U.N. resolutions or sanctions.
He has not once reported to the Security Council, and U.N. weapons inspectors have yet to examine how his massive heating system operates, which, based on satellite reports, may even be nuclear powered.
He is a despotic and ruthless leader who will hesitate at nothing to cling to power. The opposition party, E.L.F.'s (Elevated Liberation Front) demonstrations and subsequent strikes were brutally suppressed by Santa's C.L.S. party (Communist League of Saints). Santa is a notorious recluse. Santa cannot be found when needed. Is this anyway for a holder of public office to behave?
Numerous clones of Santa have been sighted in densely populated metropolitan areas, but when will the real Santa present himself? Santa has been traveling all over the globe, ignoring visa restrictions and violating trade embargoes. This year he is even expected to appear in Cuba.