The Cigar's ultimate badass list

By: Chris Curtis

Posted: 6/13/09

Summer 2009 - Ever find yourself wondering who you should look up to in life, but aren't smart enough to figure it out on your own? Well, here you go.

1. Bruce Lee. If you don't know who this is or if you think that his supremacy is debatable, put down this list, take a step back and kick yourself in the face. That's right, you can't do it. Because you're not Bruce Lee. That myth about his brain exploding after taking some knockoff pain meds is just that. Actually, he achieved nirvana and ascended to a higher plain. And by "achieved nirvana," I don't mean he meditated his way to enlightenment. I mean he overcame Buddha and took it. Finally, the man killed Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon. He beat Norris like Homer Simpson beats Bart. That was an un-simulated death scene, too. They had to re-animate Chuck's lifeless shell in order to shoot Walker Texas Ranger. Hence, the stiff acting. Spoiler: Chuck Norris will not be appearing on this list. Besides being undead and therefore ineligible, the man's a pansy.

2. Clive Owen in Shoot 'Em Up. The producers kind of shot themselves in the foot with the title on this one; good luck convincing your girlfriend the movie has a sensitive subplot. It doesn't. A baby is involved, but you can tell it would bludgeon someone to death with a rattle if its arms weren't too short. Plot breakdown: a hobo who is more than he appears and a whore with a heart of gold must protect an orphaned infant from a homicidal villain played by Paul Giamatti. Giamatti flexed his rodent teeth in his scariest role since Santa in 2007's "Fred Clause." Clive "Hobo" Owen racks up an impressive body count throughout the film, killing a man with a carrot and slashing his way to freedom with a scalpel stuck through his palm in just two of many stand-out scenes.

3. Keanu Reeves in the Matrix trilogy. You've got to give props to anyone who can star in three movies apparently without blinking, changing facial expression or reading the script.

4. Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride. Again, the producers of this movie could have picked a better title. Something less emasculating for male viewers, perhaps. As far as badass titles go, this one ranks right up there with "My Little Pony: The Runaway Rainbow," and "Barbie: Fairytopia." Despite the title, Inigo is a drunken Spanish sword aficionado out to avenge his father's death at the misshapen hands of the six-fingered man. Due to some unscheduled evisceration, Inigo ends up fighting his father's killer with one hand on his stomach to hold in his entrails. Later, he jumps out a window with apparent disregard for his wayward intestines, proving yet again that the digestive tract is an unnecessary luxury designed for the weak. If you're tough enough, your food will process itself.

5. Tie: Mr. Clean and the Michelin Man. I wouldn't fight either of these two. Behind his jovial façade, the Michelin man has got to be pretty handy with a tire iron, and as for Mr. Clean, you know a guy who likes to clean that much has a screw or two loose. Odds are good he perfected the art of stain removal trying to clean blood out of his trunk.

6. Evil sorcerer Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat movies. This guy doesn't just kill you, he takes your soul. He sucks the life force right out of you - kind of like reality TV and pop music.

7. The abominable snowman. The love child of Frosty and an albino ape, this dude could rip your arms off and … well, that's pretty much it. This Tibetan beast is secure enough in his art to keep it simple. He knows you'll bleed out pretty fast without arms, and you can't really retaliate with blood stumps, so there's no need to beat you senseless with your own limbs or anything fanciful.

8. Yule Brenner. The man was tough enough to star in "The Magnificent Seven" as a rogue bandit killer and comfortable enough with his feminine side to star in the "King and I." In Yule's case, of course, this just means that no one had the guts to tell him the movie wasn't a western.

9. William Wallace. Argue this one and a zombie Scotsman will kill you in your sleep. With a mace. Go ahead. Try it. He's watching you.

10. Prescription drug companies. They tell you their new drug will cure what ails you, the only side effects are sleepwalking, amnesia and death, and you buy it. It takes guts to pull that off that kind of scam.