E=MC2 isn't genius but proves Mariah's still got it

By: Caity Cudworth

Posted: 4/15/08

04/15/08 - I'm sure that while Albert Einstein was slaving away over his theory of relativity, he could only dream that one shining, glorious day it would grace the cover of a mildly insane pop star's comeback album.

Well, for better or worse that day has come.

Mariah Carey, whose recent career has mostly just been a mixture of shiny spandex, nervous breakdowns and horrible, horrible movies ("Glitter" is now code for "f***ing awful movie." Also, has anyone seen "State Property 2"? Exactly.) is back with a new album full of more of the same club jams and love songs she's been dishing out for over a decade.

The first single off the album-ambitiously titled E=MC2- is the instructional "Touch My Body." "I want you to caress me /Like a tropical breeze /And float away with you /In the Caribbean Sea," Carey sings. The lyrics on this track sound like they were copped from a supermarket romance novel. Romance novels are all well and good (if you like your literature to include at least one brawny shirtless guy riding a horse as wild and untamable as his passion) but it comes off a little awkwardly on the track.

But the award for the best line in "Touch My Body" goes to: "Cause they be all up in my business like a Wendy's interview." Right. Because I hear those interviews at Wendy's are pretty intense-they want to know if you have, like, a criminal record and stuff. But, for my peace of mind, I damn well hope Wendy's is "all up in [your] business" during their screening process. It's just not safe to have an ex-con messing with your Frosty.

To Carey's credit, however, the video for "Touch my body" is actually pretty great. It's bizarre and a hilarious soft-core porn complete with a unicorn, laser guns and computer nerd wearing a Viking helmet. Carey's videos are always kind of ridiculous, but this is the first one that seems intentionally so-and it works.

Like pretty much every other song on the radio these days, the track "Migrate"-the next single slated for release- features T. Pain ("Ayy! T. Pain!"). It's a breathy track with distorted flutes about the migration process from "after party to hotel."

This long, arduous, journey is not for the faint of heart. Apparently, the trek requires "three bottles of Patron," jeans that "feature my hips," and "a Lamborghini." Clearly, if you're rolling with Carey and T. Pain, looking fly is essential to the migration process.

On the whole the album is actually pretty solid. I doubt this project will catapult Carey into the category of "musical genius" but it's definitely listenable, embarrassingly so. All the more so if you have a high tolerance for songs about a) how sexy Mariah is, b) all of the reasons why Mariah is sexy and c) who she would like to have sex with and how she would like to go about having sex.

Also, there are a couple songs about clubbing.

On E=MC2, Carey's voice may be more processed than a bag of Cheats but the production values on the album are seamless and this is critical. Tracks otherwise drenched in a candy coating of stupidity (see: "I'll be Loving U Long Time," and "I'm That Chick") prove that flawless production is a virtue in its own right.

If you take the album for what it is-the latest release from one of the most commercially successful singers in the past decade (and, moreover, a singer whose career is no longer really dependent on her voice), then you'll probably enjoy this.

Throughout the years, Carey has relied so heavily on sex appeal to sell albums that she usually seems more like an endearingly crazy stripper rather than a singer with an eight-octave range. So if you listen to E=MC2 expecting the vocal acrobatics she relied upon before she discovered hot pants, well, you'll be disappointed.

On the other hand, if you just accept the fact that Carey is-if nothing else-a talented performer who knows that sex sells and the American public sometimes finds insane people charming (provided they're female and show a lot of cleavage), then this is actually a pretty solid venture for Carey.

In related news, as of April 2, Carey surpassed Elvis in number of No. 1 singles, so, bravo, Mariah. If you keep it up you can have your own frilly pink version of Graceland-though that might not be a good thing. It just seems all too frighteningly possible that, like the King, Carey's career will end with her drugged up, bloated and wearing a sparkly jumpsuit.