Zombies vs. Vampires: Vampires are better

By: Caity Cudworth

Posted: 10/31/07

10/31/07 - On this Halloween, an age-old question once again looms. Since the dawn of time people have wondered: "If given the choice, would it be cooler to be a zombie or a vampire?"

For far too long this matter has been ignored.

It is time, however, to settle the score once and for all. Yes, here and now the most important question pertaining to doomsday scenarios and general badass-ness will be answered: Vampires…or zombies?

The answer may surprise you: Vampires are way better.

But why, you may ask, are vampires so much better than their brain-hungry kin? Allow me to elaborate:

1. Flying

First of all, vampires can fly. Zombies can only walk really slowly with their arms up, and that doesn't even look cool.

Vampires, on the other (better) hand, can morph into bats. Zombies don't have that skill, which is unfortunate for them because it makes them kind of lame.

2. Cereal

In addition to being able to fly, vampires also have their own delicious, chocolatey cereal. I'm referring, of course, to Count Chocula. The count, for whom this breakfast product is named, is a good-natured, cereal-loving vampire known for the catch-phrase "I vant to eat your cereal."

And who wouldn't "vant" to eat this cereal? It's fortified with nine essential vitamins and minerals; it also has marshmallow bats in it, which are awesome.

Zombies don't have their own cereal, as they clearly do not understand the importance of beginning the day with a balanced breakfast.

3. Living arrangements

Further adding to the case for vampires is the fact that they live in castles. Castles are cool for many reasons, most notably: moats, dungeons, drafty towers and large chandeliers.

Zombies live in the ground, which is why they're always covered with worms and dirt and stuff… and that's totally unhygienic. They're like the homeless of the undead.

4. History

Zombies may be experiencing a certain increase in popularity nowadays, but rest assured, this is just a fad. Zombies are all hype. Vampires came first. They were popular in the 19th century. And even though a lot of things that were cool in the 19th century (handlebar mustaches, reading) aren't popular anymore, vampires have proved that, like street-gangs, drug-use and sandwiches, they're more than just a passing trend.

5. Sheep

Further adding to the case for vampires is the fact that zombies only function in groups. It's always armies of zombies - they're like brain-hungry sheep.

Unlike sheep, however, they provide neither wool nor lamb chops.

Vampires, by contrast, can think for themselves - they're independent. And you need to be independent in order to lead a productive and capable life…even if you're undead and spend your time trying to secure vast quantities of fresh blood for sustenance.

6. Blood vs. Brains

Blood is drinkable so if you're a vampire, it's easier to get nourishment on the go. Brains are messy and look weird.

7. Nocturnal

The sun gives you skin cancer. Plus, only the elderly like being up and outside really early. The fact that vampires only operate at night makes them harder to catch and gives them better lurking-capabilities.

8. Attire

Vampires always look well put-together. Also, they get to wear capes. You don't mess with a dude in a cape, especially if it's black and made out of fur.

It is all the more impressive that vampires manage to look spiffy despite the fact that they lack reflections.

9. Destruction

The only reliable way to kill a vampire is by impaling him with a wooden stake. Fortunately, wooden stakes aren't that popular any more and people no longer leave them lying around.

Garlic and sunlight merely ward off vampires; these things do not destroy them

10. Prey

It should also be noted that vampires, our fanged-friends, are more discriminating in the targets they pick. A zombie will try to eat anything that moves - even preying on the sweet, tender flesh of children and the very old. Vampires, meanwhile, wait for their targets to come to them.

This means that they prey primarily on the blood of the weary travelers that, for whatever reason, wander the desolate mountain ranges of Transylvania. Sorry, but if you're wandering around the Transylvanian countryside and you're stupid enough to knock on the door of a dark, foreboding castle, you probably deserve to get bitten.

In sum, I think these 10 items prove beyond a reasonable doubt that vampires are definitely the most kickass species of the undead/living dead. Clearly, vampires have numerous advantages over zombies.

And even though drinking random people's blood is probably a pretty quick way to get AIDS, eating brains probably exposes you to a vast array of communicable diseases as well, so zombies don't even have that to their advantage.

I would also like to add, in closing, that vampires are important role models for our youth. The Count on "Sesame Street," for example, devotes his time to teaching children how to count.

This is a valuable contribution to society, as research has shown that children who can't count do not go on to lead successful lives.