When push comes to shove, Discovery's 'Survivorman' trounces 'Man vs. Wild'

02/05/09 - It seems that the age of bold adventurers may, sadly, be coming to an end: seeking your fortune in the vast, uncharted wilderness is a thing of the past ... probably, because there is no more vast, uncharted wilderness. But since the economy's going down faster than a fat kid on roller-skates, it might be time to ditch your dreams of a respectable 9-5 and start honing your adventure/survival skills.

Gold-hunting, pillaging, and plundering are, as ever, good bets for getting paid (just ask all those Somali pirates, they make bank: $150 million in 2007 alone - and that was just ransom money). So, being able to camp out, climb large rocks, and survive in hostile, unforgiving circumstances could come in handy.

Thankfully, shows like "Man vs. Wild" and "Survivorman" offer practical tips on outward-bound-related matters of life and death. So, if you need to brush up on the finer points of eating weird stuff, scaling icy cliffs, or hanging out in murky swamps, better put down your books and flip on the Discovery Channel.

You never know when you might be marooned in Costa Rica with only a pair of goggles, three ballpoint pens and an elaborate hunting knife. If that day comes, all those hours spent watching television on your couch will finally, finally pay off.

But the question begs - which show is better: "Man vs. Wild," or the slightly more rugged "Survivorman?" Which TV show will, with careful study, better instruct you in the time-honored art of "not dying?"

The debate rages on. Bear Grylls of "Man vs. Wild" is a former British Special Forces officer and professional outdoorsman. Les Stroud of "Survivorman" is billed as a "Canadian musician, film maker and survival expert." Grylls' resume is slightly more impressive, if only because he's climbed Mt. Everest and once ate a three-course meal while suspended from a hot air balloon.

Still, the charge has been leveled that Bear Grylls stays in hotels during shooting. And that does detract from his credibility. The show is called "Man vs. Wild" not "Man vs. Housekeeping."

On the other hand, after a day spent mucking around in a hostile wilderness, rappelling down cliff sides and eating weird bugs off the ground, a clean bathroom and a "Do Not Disturb" sign are well-deserved luxuries. True, he doesn't go all out "Castaway"-style but at the end of the day, it's kind of deranged to sit around in a muddy ditch fearing that predators will claw you to death in your sleep. Truth be told though, deranged people in extreme situations always make for the best television.

There's a lot to be said for authenticity, and the fact that Les Stroud goes at his missions with the all-or-nothing intensity of a lunatic is pretty commendable. Big ups are automatically awarded to any guy who cavorts through inhospitable climates with only the clothes on his back, a cell phone and a harmonica.

In terms of having a cooler name though, Bear Grylls wins hands down. If your name is Bear Grylls and you're not a dyed-in-the-wool badass then you're really letting the team down. Les Stroud is a pretty cool name, too, but it definitely doesn't stand up to Bear Grylls. This one goes to Bear.

Bear also scores points for the British accent. Having a British accent instantly enhances your persona, makes you sound intelligent and refined, and lures people into believing pretty much anything you say.

Bear Grylls doesn't explore crevasses and glaciers - he explores "creVAsses" and "glaCIers," and that is infinitely more cool. Straight up, Bear Grylls could explain that the best way to deter predators is to lie on the ground with a raw steak draped across your torso and your hands tied behind your back, and he would still sound immensely knowledgeable and convincing.

But, superficial attributes aside, we must give credit where credit is due. Les goes it totally alone. No camera crew, nothing. And some of the situations he purposefully puts himself in are stupidly perilous.

Enthusiastically stranding yourself at sea with no food or water or in the arctic with only a team of sled dogs, and no real human contact is slightly insane. Insane in a pretty hardcore way, maybe, but insane all the same.

Still, I think the fact that Les Stroud can survive for seven days in an alligator infested swamp with no human contact, amenities, or basic life-sustaining necessities proves that when push comes to shove, he's better at not dying.

Grylls is awesome, and dashing and that but he's a little too flashy. The Discovery Channel Web site for "Man vs. Wild" features glamour shots of Bear doing rugged things like wading through a frozen river and peering out from a helicopter above Belize. He looks like James Bond in an anorak.

If it came down to a life or death situation, I think I'd trust Stroud more than Grylls. Any guy who can spend seven days at a time without any legit supplies, surrounded by large, hungry animals probably won't get taken down by nature very easily. Plus, he's pretty good at playing the harmonica.