Stephen Lynch questions name of Cigar, shares 'words of wisdom'

12/05/08 - At the University of Rhode Island, dreams can come true. Stephen Lynch discovered that first hand last night when his dream of playing in a gym in Kingston, RI was finally realized.The former substitute schoolteacher shared many words of wisdom with the students of URI. Among them:

1. The Good Five Cent Cigar would be better off going by Newspaper.

2. Editor of the Cigar, Brenna McCabe, is really Groucho Marx.

3. You can get AIDS from breathing.

4. If you get AIDS, don't worry, at least you won't get fat.

5. Outback Steakhouse is where manly men go to drink.

6. Whoopi Goldberg is hot.

7. Melanin is the pigment that makes your skin darker.

8. Stephen Lynch wants to do Michelle Obama while wearing white cotton panties.

9. Saying "f**k 96 times in one song will not go over well with Comedy Central.

10. Singing to a small child about doing bad things in Mommy's ear, however, will.

11. Christopher Reeve could have kicked Steven Lynch's ass from his wheelchair.

12. Anne Frank lived a nice, long life picking flowers with her parents.

13. Jesus has a brother named Craig.

14. Stephen Lynch can fit a Guatemalan baby up his rear.

15. He also likes fingers in there.

16. The twelve apostles were "totally gay."

17. Scottish men and Lewis Black and Chewbacca sound remarkably alike.

18. As do Hugh Grant and Mr. Belvedere.

19. Yoda and Kermit make a good team.

20. Stephen Lynch is a classically trained ballet dancer, not a jukebox.

21. He could be a jukebox though, if you'll stick a $1 bill in his ass.

22. His other dream in life, besides playing at the Ryan Center, is to one day become "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince."

23. Stephen Lynch's musical talent is sorely underappreciated in the educational system.

24. Satan was born and raised in Rhode Island.

25. Satan is a Capricorn whose turn-ons include romantic walks and killing the unborn.

26. Satan also likes to watch Fox News, although that isn't really new information.

27. While he's watching Fox News, he may be simultaneously clubbing baby seals.

28. Satan doesn't like Georgia.

29. Little gay robots have lisps.

30. Little gay robots think civil unions are bullshit too.

31. Vaudeville is making a comeback.

32. The Gestapo like knock-knock jokes.

33. Rob Cohen and Jeff Daniels are the same person.

34. Jeff Daniels likes to wear Charlie Brown shirts.

35. Stephen Lynch has three testicles.

And with that, let me leave you with this final tidbit of advice: if you should ever find yourself in the front row of a Stephen Lynch show, it would be wise to cover your eyes.