Retro entertainment: bringing back board games

09/23/08 - Board games have a reputation for being kind of lame- and that's sort of understandable given that anything typically associated with small children, "family fun," and staying inside is bound to get a bum rap. But board games are actually kind of awesome in their own way, so here are some childhood games worth revisiting . and, possibly, adapting for the consumption of alcohol.

Clue:

Nothing says good times like getting your friends together to speculate about the murder of innocent people in a creepy mansion. Clue (ages 8 and up!) is unique in that it's the only board game where you not only get to argue about which sicko committed the crime, but also which morbid murder weapons (rope, knives, candlesticks, and um. a wrench) the murderer used. It's kind of like the board game equivalent of "CSI". but with fewer dead prostitutes and psychics.

Hasbro-making cold-blooded murder fun for the whole family!

Jenga:

OK, technically this isn't a board game.Jenga's in a class all it's own. This game is great because it combines three terrific things: suspense, building stuff and making other people feel bad when they mess up and pull the wrong tile, ruining the Jenga tower everyone else has been painstakingly working on.

Another great thing about Jenga is that it's kind of zen. The fragility of the tower is a reminder that nothing in life is permanent. Also, intense concentration is required. I'm pretty sure that if Confucius were around today, this would be his game of choice.

As an added bonus, Jenga makes an excellent drinking game, as being wasted only increases the odds of having a pile of small wooden block collapse on top of you (or having them thrown at you), thereby making the game mildly dangerous.

To modify for the consumption of alcohol, make the dumbshit who topples the tower take a shot or, for extra fun, shotgun/ funnel a beer.

Candyland:

Candyland is a great premise for a board game because, at the end of the day, everybody loves candy. It's also fun because it's easy (ages 3-6). Kindergarteners have poor reflexes, use it your advantage!

An interesting fact about Candyland is that was invented by a recovering polio patient, so if your legs are ever crippled by a debilitating virus, then I guess this game might cheer you up.

On the downside, the characters in Candyland leave little to be desired as Gloppy the Chocolate Monster looks kind of like a turd and King Kandy, despite his jolly appearance, seems to be little more than a greedy, candy-hoarding dictator. He looks sort of like a white-haired Saddam Hussein, cleverly ornamented with jellybeans.

This game is awesome for people who smoke a lot of pot and dabble in halucinogenics, but less great for diabetics, people with cavities, and anyone who thinks the idea of a Gum Drop Mountain is stupid.

Guess Who?:

Guess Who? is the perfect game for stalkers-in-training. Having been raised on games that urge players to collect superficial knowledge about random people, it's no wonder many of us now suffer a crippling addiction to Facebook. It's not like Guess Who? is the only reason 18-25 year-olds are absurdly invested in Facebook, I'm just saying there's a correlation. Were taught to be creepers at a young age.

This game is slightly disturbing because most of the characters look pedophiles. As such, a more apt name would probably be Guess Who's Trying to Lure You into His Candy-Filled Van?