OMG . 'A Little Bit Longer' marks the return of boy band

09/09/08 - The past few years haven't been kind to boy bands. For members of groups like the Backstreet Boys, the better part of the 21st century has been a depressing blur of rehab and obscurity (but mostly obscurity) ... And even for the buffest of buff boy band-ers, there are no guarantees. Take Nick Lachey for example: after failing to remain married to Jessica Simpson, Nick, the last employed member of 98 Degrees, slipped off the cable TV radar.

Sadly, for these spray-tanned crooners, the average boy band is about as likely to survive as a polar bear in a sauna.

But have no fear; the world will not be left a barren wasteland devoid of choreographed dance moves, man-jewelry and hair gel. The next generation of boy band-ers is upon us: so rejoice, teenyboppers and bow before the Jonas Brothers, for they are your new idols.

If (for some reason) you've ever wished for a band that combined Hanson's genetic similarity with NSYNC's neatly packaged image, well you're in luck ... Because not only are the Jonas Brothers the next big thing, they're also siblings who wear color-coordinated outfits.

And if nothing else, the high-pitched screams they leave in their wake are proof-positive that the Jonas Brothers have achieved teen-idol status ... It's the kind of screaming and uncontrollable sobbing usually reserved for axe-murderers and large-scale natural disasters.

Or, if you're a 12 year-old girl, super-dreamy pop stars.

Because if you can make a bunch of middle-schoolers scream, you're either a teen idol or you're a legitimately terrifying human being. (Though, granted, sometimes it can be hard to tell which - especially if you're wearing metallic pants.

A Little Bit Longer is the latest offering from the Jonas Brothers, and the album marks the JB's glorious ascent into the boy band big leagues. It's an upbeat collection of PG dance tracks and ballads. The whole thing glows with Disney-mandated wholesomeness.

The record's first single, "Burning Up," is a bouncy track that benefits from splashy production and a so-bad-it's-funny rap verse from their bodyguard, Big Rob, whose rhymes sound like the side project of a lowbrow wedding DJ:

"We're burnin' up in the place tonight," Big Rob raps, "Gonna sing it loud/ Gonna feel it right /Get up and dance/ Don't try and fight it/Big Rob's for real/ And that's no lie."

Naturally, this ill verse is followed by some very useful fire safety advice, the always helpful: "Stop, drop, and roll/And touch the floor."

Burning up indeed.

Musically, "A Little Bit Longer" is an incredibly studied album. Cribbing from their boy band forefathers - the likes of which range from the Monkees to Hanson - the Jonases have created an album that is a monument of pure pop.

The album pulls from a variety of pop/rock sources. So while "Video Girls" sounds like a rejected NSYNC cut, the big, guitar-laden chorus on "Shelf" sounds like it was pulled from Weezer's power-pop-driven Green album.

To be fair though, "Shelf" sounds sugary enough to give you diabetes, and it's missing Weezer's signature sense of irony.

"Lovebug" also sounds vaguely Weezer-esque (in a watery, Disney kind of way) with its "Sweater Song"-style interludes of muddled conversation and the guitar-heavy breakdown at the end.

In a purely technical sense, A Little Bit Longer is a solid album. It's well-produced, well-put together, and (God help me) kind of enjoyable, in a shameful way. Even if your hobbies don't include doodling hearts on your Trapper Keeper, or worshipping Hannah Montana, you can still enjoy A Little Bit Longer - provided that you do so in secret and feel an appropriate level of shame afterward.

For better or worse, the Jonas Brothers have resurrected the boy band from it's flashy, well-groomed grave. (Because, really, God forbid the world is forced to go without sappy high-pitched ballads and shiny outfits.)

And, like other acts to emerge from the all-powerful Disney regime, the Jonas Brothers seem poised to conquer the world using that classic formula of tight pants and deceptively wholesome charm. So in the words of the JonasBrothers' bodyguard/rapper-friend, Big Rob, "Don't try and fight it". Because at the rate they're going, the Jonas Brothers will have taken over the world before they're of legal drinking age.

And even if they wind up with drug and alcohol addictions five years down the road, at the very least, the success of this album will probably get them a poorly-made VH1 reality show.