Nickelback's 'Dark Horse' album heavy on PG-13 sleaze

01/28/09 - Nickelback has long trafficked in forgettable radio-friendly singles and the group's latest offering, "Dark Horse," delivers more of the same slick grunge-lite.But this time around they're taking it up a notch: chock full of tracks about strippers, drugs, hookers, and the excessive consumption of booze. "Dark Horse" is basically Top 40 roofie-rock and really, by the end of the album it starts to feel like Nickelback is overcompensating for something.

On the other hand, at least it's catchy Top 40 roofie-rock. So I guess that's one redeeming quality.

These winsome little ditties about having sex in parking lots, strip clubs, dead drug addicts, and call girls have track titles that range from the fairly straightforward "S.E.X." to uh, the slightly more coy, "Something in Your Mouth."

"Something in Your Mouth," notably, is probably one of the skeeviest song titles maybe in the history of song titles. If there was even a shred of irony there it would be hilarious, because the title alone is almost Spinal Tap worthy.

Alas, however, lead singer Chad Kroeger is for real.

"You're so much cooler when you never pull it out," Kroeger croons to a g-string clad stripper, "cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth."

Classy stuff indeed. Kroeger's muse is probably liquored up in the back of a strip joint counting a crumpled wad of singles.

To be fair, it's not all sketchy escapades and drug binges. There are also a couple impossibly nondescript ballads thrown in there, because Chad Kroeger is sentimental like that.

"Gotta Be Somebody" sets shivering bass against echoing vocals. This, you see, is musical shorthand for "loneliness" .Because even Kroeger's millions of dollars and high-cost hookers can't make up for his lack of generic, featureless love. "Everyone wants to know they're not alone/ There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere/There's gotta be somebody for me out there," he sings. The originality there is mind-blowing.

For his part, Kroeger probably couldn't have written blander lyrics if he tried; the complete lack of character is almost kind of impressive. And, lucky for Nickelback, it's the kind of one-size fits all love song that will probably be a hit. Because ultra-generic love songs are the most commercially viable love songs of all.

The instrumentals are solid (as they are on all the tracks). Satisfying riffs and heady bass make for agreeable rock with a full, crank-it-up-to-11 kind of sound. It's well-produced to boot: slick and as supple as a pair of expensive leather pants, which, sadly, was probably what they were going for.

The main problem is that it's hard to take the band seriously given that some of the tracks are almost stupidly gross. A problem made worse by the fact that Kroger looks a little like a sex offender. The greasy hair, porn 'stache, and painfully tight pants aren't really doing him any favors.

Listening to Kroeger growl lines like "I wanna do it till the sun comes up/ till we're both so good and sweaty that we can't stand up," followed by the sparkly little gem "I wanna go so long your parents think you died," is kind of revolting.

"I wanna go so long your parents think you died?" Really? You want this chick's parents to endure tremendous sadness, worry, and grief just so you can bone her for an extended period of time? Because that's kind of psychotic.

Unfortunately, Kroeger redeems himself only slightly when he expresses his wish to "cover [her] with JELL-O in the tub."

So Kroeger's wildest fantasies involve a missing person's report and Bill Cosby's favorite gelatin dessert. Great. All this (and more!) can be found on the track, "Next Go Round."

The absurd lyrics on the raunchier tracks, will probably appeal to a certain demographic (date rapists?) while the rockin' blandness of ballads like "Somebody," are calculated to hook a pretty wide segment of listeners (and thus, will garner a shitload of radio play).

Musically, the high-sheen grunge of "Dark Horse" makes for a fairly decent album- if what you're after is an over-produced PG 13 rock record about clichés like ogling strippers, having a lot of sex, and incredibly vague, simplistic loneliness.

Somewhat depressingly, Nickelback is one of the only bands that seems to be selling records these days. At a time when it's so hard to sell music that a lot of bands are giving music away for free, "Dark Horse" went platinum a mere three weeks after its release.

But all that makes sense: groups like Nickelback, with their punchy, steamroller guitars and heavy drums, and gritty vocals are just "edgy" enough for the mainstream in the sense that they're not really edgy at all.

Because, despite the desperate stabs at vulgarity and badass-ness, this is not new stuff: it's disturbingly neutered grunge for the "Rock of Love" set. And, like it or not, you'll be hearing a lot of it on the radio.