Dignity-saving safety tips for a happier Halloween

10/31/08 - Even though Halloween is probably the best holiday of the year, it can be dangerous... especially if you're really wasted and wearing a ridiculous costume that doesn't involve pants. So, remember, kids: safety first.

Everybody knows Halloween's awesome. I mean, it's the one day a year that it's socially acceptable for people to parade around dressed as vampires, hobos, scantily-clad career-women, axe-murderers and wacked-out celebrities.

Each Halloween, these undead creepers, sexy business professionals and pop culture freaks lurch out and lap up the spotlight, reminding people that sometimes, even if you're not Amy Winehouse, it's okay to go out dressed as a zombie crack-addict covered in scabs.

Rest assured: if it can be rendered out of cheap nylon, polyester, and plastic, it's probably been made into a costume. And you'll probably see at least two versions of it puking in the front yard at whatever Halloween party you choose to attend.

The beauty of Halloween is that you're encouraged to let your freak flag fly. Don't take it too far though... There's a reason why no one ever says, "Hey, I think I'll be a Centaur for Halloween. That'd be a pretty dope costume."

And if you have to ask what that reason is, you're probably not going to get laid on Halloween.

Dressing in a costume perceived as too mythically "weird" also increases the likelihood that you'll get harassed or have things thrown at you by roughly 92%. So keep the Pegasus, Minotaur, and dwarf costumes in your closet.

But in addition to the opportunity to rock some sweet ass costumes, Halloween's also awesome because it's a celebration of candy. And not just any candy. free candy. Yes, October 31 is the one day a year when you're encouraged to accept candy from complete strangers.

It's still not okay to take candy from strangers in vans though. Even though it might seem like a good idea at the time (free candy!) you'll probably regret it when you wake up the next morning in a field with half of your costume missing, no idea what happened last night, and the creeping realization that you've been taken advantage of by some van-driving weirdo. There aren't enough free Skittles in the world to make up for that.

So it's important to take precautions. And don't forget to give your candy a once-over before you eat it. Like you know the old saying "Don't eat candy with razor blades in it?" That's solid advice, and it still holds true. even if those razor blades are covered in delicious nougat.

People almost never put razor blades in candy (it's a waste of candy and razor blades) but this warning comes up a lot and it makes a lot of sense. So anyway, just be aware, if your candy leaves your gums bloody, someone's probably trying to kill you.

You should also never eat unwrapped candy. Because first of all, ew. Someone's been touching that candy with their bare hands. And second of all, it's probably been doused in either poison or drugs. And before you start thinking "Mmm.drug candy." Just be warned that it's probably the bad kind of drugs: the kind of drugs you should definitely avoid taking if your costume doesn't involve either pants, shorts, or, at the very least some sort of long shirt.