Cigar exclusive: Bob Saget interview

04/02/08 - Last Tuesday morning my phone rang. This would be unremarkable except for the fact that the voice on the other end said four words which, when used together, form one of the most surreal and incredible sentences in the English language: "Hey, Bob Saget speaking."At once wholesome and totally perverse, Bob Saget is a paradox. On the one hand, there is the Bob Saget of "Full House" fame: the Bob Saget who also spent eight (hilarious) years narrating clips of water-skiing accidents and babies falling down stairs on "America's Funniest Home Videos" (No one narrates a video of an 80-year-old man getting hit in the nuts like Bob Saget. He's irreplaceable . Sorry, Tom Bergeron.)

But on the other hand, there is Bob Saget the comedian, whose material on sex, drugs and bestiality would make Danny - and, probably, the rest of the Tanner clan cringe ... The point is, if you don't think the man who played Danny Tanner for eight years has any street cred, then you obviously don't know shit about Saget.

After uttering those glorious words, he launched immediately into a recap of his weekend: "I was in Vegas with [John] Stamos and [Dave] Coulier, and people were like 'Oh my God it's the guys from 'Full House' . We were all wearing black."

First of all, it's cool that he refers to his former co-stars by their last names. I would totally do that too if I were Bob Saget. Second of all, it's pretty badass that they roll up in Vegas decked out in all black.

However, Saget isn't much of a betting man. "I played the 'Wheel of Fortune' slots with my girlfriend," he said of his gambling habits. Okay, well, that's like, the opposite of badass. You don't wear "all black" for that - you wear an appliquéd sweater and Keds. Leave the "Wheel of Fortune" slots for the "Golden Girls."

So who is the real Bob Saget then? Is he the clean-cut, slot-playing family man? Or is he all about rolling blunts and picking up models? (See: "Rollin' With Saget")

"That's me," Saget laughed "I just pick up people and smack doormen if I don't get what I want."

Saget, who has a pretty memorable cameo in the seminal stoner flick, "Half-Baked," says his favorite stoner movies are "Yellow Submarine" and "The Spirited Away," but he also recommends the mockumentary "Farce of the Penguins," which he wrote and produced. (It has talking penguins in and Samuel L. Jackson in it so, if you're toking it's a solid bet for entertainment.)

But that's the real-life Bob Saget, not the one who dispensed priceless moral wisdom without fail at the end of every episode of "Full House" (even if it was something as obvious as "You can't keep a horse in the living room.")

But did Danny Tanner secretly have a dark side? He seemed, at the very least, pretty sexually repressed. "Well, definitely," Saget said. "He had that chest at the end of his bed, God only knows what was in it. Inflatable stuff probably . metal restraints. And he hugged a lot of guys. But it was a sitcom. The characters were very two-dimensional. He liked hugging his kids. He loved his dog . Well I don't know if he actually loved his dog." (Sorry, Comet.)

And thankfully, Saget is still dispensing priceless moral wisdom to this day - albeit through his standup. "All I do is joke with kids that it's not natural to hook up with something that is running through your yard," Saget explained. "And don't hook up with mythical creatures - like Nobby . What's his name from 'Harry Potter?' Oh, Dobby ... Right. Things like that. Just say no to mythical creatures and the things in your yard . and small animals like starfish. I'm saying stay away from the small animals."

Good message. Kids need to learn some day ... A lot of starfish are asexual anyway. In any case, I'm glad that even though "Full House" ended, Bob Saget is still delivering important lessons to youth.

Catch Bob Saget (or, as he's known on the streets, "The illest motherf***r in a cardigan sweater") at Foxwoods on April 4. And, if you still need another Saget fix - God knows you can never have enough Bob Saget - check out his Web site,

www.bobsaget.com.