Sex & the Cigar

2/1/08 - After a long, sexually uneventful winter break, we return to our faithful reader(s) full of pent up stories, frustrations and musings to entertain and titillate. Yes, this is different from our usual format, but this winter break brought up a number of questions that we, your dutiful sex columnists, are obligated to answer with our combined 10 years of sexual experience. Grab a towel and enjoy.Secret sex

Question: Everyone has them, but no one wants to talk about them - their secret sex partners from home. After spending a semester in Rhode Island, I returned home to New Hampshire for a month-long winter break.

However, being home brings up a whole new slew of problems, especially because I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy at URI. My secret sex partner was expecting a bit more than a hug after being reunited and this expectation threw a figurative wrench in the midst of my relationship. What's a girl to do? Just say no? What happens if I return home, newly single in the summer? Who's going to be my new booty call at home if I turned down my only other option?

DS: Contrary to popular belief, sex is not a numbers game. I'm not speaking in terms of how many total conquests, but rather the number of battles you've got going on at once.

One man can be a challenge on his own. How do you expect to handle two for an entire semester? You need to think in terms of this moment, right now. If you are in a relationship, you shouldn't have been fooling around in the first place, but if you want to do right, keep it only about the guy here on campus.

He is here, and he is now. Who knows what the end of the semester might bring? Maybe you'll be single, maybe this guy is the "one". Either way, I guarantee things will work out if you live in the here-an- now as opposed to the there and then.

Valentine's Day

Question: Valentine's Day is already around the corner. I just dropped a load of cash on my boyfriend for Christmas and now I have to come up with something for this? In terms of shopping on a college budget, would it be OK if I just did something kinky as opposed to romantic? What do guys expect from this holiday, if anything?

MP: Are you kidding? Do you know a guy that prefers sweatpants over lingerie? A dozen roses over handcuffs? Guys don't expect much from Valentine's Day, except exactly what you're offering up - some kinky, freaky sex.

A great blowjob is a great present as well. Statistically speaking, it's preferred 10 to one over a box of chocolates. But, if you want to seize the spirit of the holiday, buy some whipped cream, melt some chocolate and get to finger-painting. If your guy doesn't enjoy one of these three suggestions, I have another: dump him and find someone more adventurous.

The non-evaporating ex

Question: I've been dating this guy for a few months now and everything is pretty much perfect, except for one small thing: he's best friends with his ex-girlfriend. They talk on the phone all the time, he's blown me off to hang out with her and sometimes she even sleeps over (supposedly on the couch). They broke up a month before we got together, so I'm worried he's still not over her yet. And the worst part about it is his ex is in most of my classes because we're both political science majors! What should I do about the ex that just doesn't go away?

DS: Breathe deep. There is only one thing you can do in this situation: trust him. I know, the voice in the back of your head is jumping up and down, screaming that the boy is double dipping, but if you repeatedly question him about her, he's only going to view that as you being possessive and untrusting. Those are two major no-no's when it comes to building a long-term relationship. At the same time, sit him down and have a one-time conversation about how the whole situation is making you feel. You should be the first and foremost important female in his life, only second to his mum, and if he wants to keep her around it should be on a friend-only basis. He can't be blowing you off to go grab a beer and have chitchat with her. Just know where you stand - and make sure it isn't in the back of the line.

The 21-year-old virgin

Question: The guy I've been seeing is great. We get along perfectly, we have tons of fun and he treats me right. However, there is a hitch. He's a virgin. I've been in relationships before and I've done my share of the dirty deed, but how do I approach this one? I don't want to pressure him into breaking the seal but can the relationship progress without it?

MP: This is quite the conundrum. Remember the movie "40 Days and 40 Nights" where Josh Hartnett vows celibacy for Lent, but meets his dream girl in the process? Well, that doesn't really help us here, though it is a great pop culture reference. Nonetheless, the biggest question is, 'why is he still a virgin?' Has he not met the right girl yet? Is it a religious belief? Or, is he non-functioning, extra-small or simply impotent? If you've fooled around before, you should have the answer to the last question. But, it sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with your man about why he hasn't invited you to his "pants party" yet. If it's for a religious belief, certainly don't try to strong-arm him for an invite. However, if he's just shy or nervous, you can ease his nerves by discussing it beforehand as well as some slow and sensual foreplay. Though sex is truly the most intimate act for a couple, it is not the be-all, end-all of a relationship.

Question: Furries. Why?

DS: Answer: Because ... they can. This is America, damn it! If you are free to fight and die for your country, you should be free to dress like an oversized felt covered animal and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Honestly, I think all people are curious, especially when it comes to sex. Even the timid people who rarely stray from missionary have that deep dark corner where lives the leather bound dominatrix yearning to be released. As long as your misdeeds don't land you in the hospital, explore. Find your limits and the pleasures they bring. That said; don't knock it till you try it. Who knows where your sexual travels may lead you 10 years down the line. Panda or puppy suit?