Column: Sex & the Cigar

12/04/08 - Flasher, my bro, what's up? Holidays are coming up and my girl is expecting something great when I get back home, if you know what I mean. I want to make sure I deliver and don't disappoint her. Any suggestions?
- Jingle Balls


Well Mr. Balls, there are quite a few ways to go about this. Firstly, dexterity of the fingers is very important. If you have the fortunate situation to be a musician, just practice anything you know as fast as you can. Why do you think metal guitarists are so popular?

Other methods you could try that do not require any musical talent include speed typing, desk drumming and even aggressively twiddling your thumbs. Basically anything that involves fast finger movement over a long period of time. The point is to build more muscle around the tendon, making it easier for you to do it continuously. This is not just for foreplay either, dude.

Other, more creative and possibly perverse methods of making sure she's having fun come in the form of condoms. If you don't use them, that's your business, but seriously, dude, I do not recommend or condone unprotected sex.

There is a multitude of shapes and types to try, like the ribbed, spiral and studded ones. Heck, there's even one shaped like a conk shell spiral on end, called Inspiral. But the most interesting and possibly strange kind of condoms would have to be the one called Performax.

This line of condoms from the Durex company is designed totally for the ladies, as there is an ingredient on the outside that creates a "warming sensation" (you can replicate that yourself very easily with Bengay or Icy Hot, just check and make sure they don't degrade or weaken the material the condom is made with). But the inside is a bit more devious.

The Durex company explains it as "special climax control lubricant that helps prolong male sexual performance," but in reality, an acquaintance of mine has informed me, it's more like Novocain. It numbs you so you can go on for hours, but never reach climax. This seems like you'd have to be really dedicated, but I'd still recommend this product to you, Mr. Balls, to try at least once.

As with sex, I've saved the best for last. If you really want to help your girl get a condom with a vibrating ring. It comes in many shapes and forms, and actually has roots in some ancient cultures (imagine a ring of rock, if you dare). The basic idea, in modern times of course, is that there is a very small battery-operated vibrator on the top on the ring, and is positioned in exactly the right place for an extra boost for her.


Yours truly,

The Trench Coat Flasher


Mr. Balls,


While I know your letter was specifically for Flasher, I feel that you should have a woman's perspective.

I completely agree with Flasher that you should work on your dexterity. Your girl will definitely appreciate it.

However, I simply cannot sit on the sidelines and let him suggest a condom with "warming sensation." Speaking from personal experience with KY's warming gel, depending on the girl, those types of lube can BURN!

I've even heard of some girls getting chemical burns from old warming lube. So make sure it's not expired (they rarely are.)

On a side note, to all the males out there: Irish Spring soap also commonly causes break outs for women. It is painful. I suggest you find another soap.

Mr. Balls, what I would definitely recommend is investing in some massage oils. A lot of companies have flavored ones, too. Athena's Home Novelties (www.athenashn.com) carries a wide variety of "Body Eaters," body dusts and lotions that are edible and enhance sensations.

They also have edible body paint so the two of you can get creative. Or you can circle all the parts of her you plan on paying special attention to that night. There are a whole bunch of sensitive spots on her body she might not think to be so sensual. Her knowing and anticipating all the places you'll be will heighten her sensitivity!


Happy Holidays!

Scarlet Buns